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Literature Text
Down the slope of your neck-
The bridge of a violin,
Delicate, like a faery laughing,
Like you trust me too much.
The curves of your torso-
Like a flute-
Smooth, lean-
And soundless without dexterity.
The dip of your hip bones
against your muscles-
A harp-
Worthless and uniteresting
Until you've witnessed a master.
Your knees-
Saxophones.
They look complicated and
Not pretty.
But I'm also intimidated because
How can someone actually be good at that?
Your ankles are a
Standing bass.
They serve as the anchoring beat
Of the symphony-
While everything else threatens to fly away
On the currents of airwaves,
You are able to keep your balance.
You are able to remember my name.
Your anatomy is made of a symphony
And even though I don't know how to
Play any music right now,
I will master every instrument you are composed of.
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Friday 17 April 2015 @ 12:30 AM (ish)
This is for the weekly prompt "Music" for the group
This is also a re-do of an explicit, erotic poem I wrote a while ago, titled "Organic Music".
This is for the weekly prompt "Music" for the group
This is also a re-do of an explicit, erotic poem I wrote a while ago, titled "Organic Music".
© 2015 - 2024 MusicInducedDaydream
Comments18
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I'll critique this one, as I see a lot of potential here!
Down the slope of your neck-
The bridge of a violin,
Delicate, like a faery laughing, -maybe try to tie more of these ethereal beings into the poem? This seems to come from nowhere, but, if expanded upon, could add a glittering edge to the writing.
Like you trust me too much. -how? Why? Be specific here, draw the reader in. Why would the person in question have anything to fear from you?
The curves of your torso- I'm not sure that you need the hyphen here, as it messes with the flow
Like a flute-
Smooth, lean-
And soundless without dexterity. I like this, maybe expand upon it more? What sounds does this person make when you apply dexterity? Why is it bad to be soundless?
The dip of your hip bones
against your muscles-
A harp-
Worthless and uniteresting -typo here, not your fault. What makes a harp worthless and uninteresting? Is it better to say something like (and this is a bad example, but you get the picture) "pretty, but not stunning, unless you've witnessed a master.
Until you've witnessed a master.
Your knees-
Saxophones.
They look complicated and
Not pretty.
But I'm also intimidated because
How can someone actually be good at that? -good at what? Saxophone? Be specific here. This stanza is rough, but I think that it's interesting how you tied in unpoetic parts of this person as well.
Your ankles are a
Standing bass.
They serve as the anchoring beat
Of the symphony-
While everything else threatens to fly away
On the currents of airwaves,
You are able to keep your balance.
You are able to remember my name. -lead up to this line a bit more or take it out. The rest of this stanza is fabulous, and all the imagery stacks up on each other wonderfully, and then it leads to this like which has nothing to do with the rest. I'd suggest, if you want to keep it, to break it off and start a new stanza with just this line.
Your anatomy is made of a symphony -this line seems bulky, maybe say "you" or "your body," maybe do a play on words and say "you are composed of an orchestra."
And even though I don't know how to
Play any music right now,
I will master every instrument you are composed of. -i love these last three lines. They're wonderful.
All in all, great work. I hope my suggestions have been helpful!